Woman vs Mother

Why you can be powerfully both.

D.Winnicott, an English psychoanalyst who specialised in working with parents and children, was disturbed by how often he encountered parents who were disappointed with themselves. They felt they were failing as parents and disliked themselves as a result. They were ashamed of their occasional rows, their bursts of short temper, their times of boredom. What struck Winnicott was that these people were almost always not bad parents at all. They were loving, often very kind and invested in their children, trying hard to meet their needs and understand their problems. Winnicott identified that we torment ourselves because we have in our minds a demanding – and impossible vision of what we are supposed to be. The vision does not emerge from a careful study of reality. Instead, it’s a fantasy. In a social media-dominated world, we must be mindful of who and what influences our choices. Ask yourself not Who am I as a Mother, but instead reframe, and ask yourself, Who am I as a Woman.

The transition from Woman to Mother is a dynamic shift of identity. In our perpetual and innate mothering, we can care without much requirement for our own self-care. We learn to adapt to sleep disturbance, pain management, and psychological shifts in identity and not over days but weeks and months. We are unique utilitarian beings.

So quickly, we slip into offering our children all of us, leaving little for ourselves. By providing all of our energy to others, we inevitably empty ourselves into others. Pouring from an empty cup is impossible, but many try.

By dialling down our expectations, setting one daily (uninterrupted) task for yourself, and leaning on your support people, you pour into your own self-care cup. You emerge as a woman who values her needs, values herself as a mother and woman. Do not let guilt or fear tell you that you cannot have this.

You gave life, and you sustain life, your life matters.

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